BoobieWatch!

Um this was a sonnet I wrote in the comments of a post on The Awl wherein Alex Balk wrote a poem summarizing Lynn Hirschberg's profile on Megan Fox. [?]

I know no one cares about inside-jokey sonnets I write in the comments on other blogs (this is not Recursive Fimoculous! I think Rex Sorgatz used to include his comments on other blogs on his site, but I just looked and he either doesn't now or never did; anyway) or even on this blog, but it's the only thing I've "written" all week, so I'm putting it here mainly because sometimes I forget the last time I typed "boobies" and the answer is this. It was this time. I am sorry you have to read this.

And in fact you should use this whole "post" as a means to just click over to the actual post, because it is great and there are more great things in the comments. I love the Awl comments, maybe even more than Videogum comments; I want Karen UhOh to follow me around saying things.
WE COULD SOLVE MYSTERIES!

So, OK:

That cherry made my brain scream “Sherilyn Fenn!”
When I saw it in GQ magazine.
I never will forget her; then again,
I had to google “Brian Austin Green”.

I guess that Hirschberg’s point is Things Transmute..?
Both crushes and the crushees take a bow.
The kneepad leggings gone that were so cute.
The Jolies meet the Jolier Than Thou.

Red Lobster Biscuits yield to Truffled Fries
And a propensity for bad tattoos
(“We L.O.L. at gilded butterflies”)
Give way to smarts, re: “boobies on read-thrus”

So in this way one changes tit for tat:
There ought to be a German word for that.

Orienting Arrow

A longass time ago, my friend Siobhan wrote a book that was funny and informative. I drew some pictures for it, and I think we all learned a little something in the process (about how I am bad at leveraging opportunities to do things I actually like instead of working for the same company for twelve years or whatever it is now just kidding please keep employing me I need the healthcare: anyway, that is what we all learned).

It was called "30 Things Everyone Should Know How to do Before Turning 30", although you may know it by its German title (interesting sidenote: although they kept the "30" in the title of the German edition, the "How to eat a lot of cabbage before invading Poland in a well-made car" chapter was you know what it's not even worth finishing that line let's just go to the next paragraph. GERMANS, RIGHT?).

AND BUT SO
In addition to looking at archived emailed from the early aughts to remind myself that I'm not as clever/funny/smart as I used to be, I sometimes search for this book, and here is what I saw today: this book, which is $1.54 for a used copy is currently going for between $93.55 and $184.13 for a new copy.



NOW THEN
Later on, my friend Siobhan wrote another book called Hipster Haiku. This book featured zero illustrations by me (whoever's decision that was, I bear you no rancor, I pretty much maxed out my ability to draw hands with the first book).

BUT
Let's see how this book is doing OH INTERESTING IT IS AVAILABLE NEW FOR $4.22.
Look, this is a funny book. This book is funnier than it should be. I think if you were to read it what would happen is you would likely marvel at the funniness therein. But $4.22? I think we see what's going on here.

HENCE
For a limited time, I will draw a picture on any book you want for the jaw droppingly low price of like I don't know a dollar or something (higher if I have to draw hands).
I can basically guarantee (definition 4: "v. to guarantee sarcastically") that the book will increase in value TENFOLD within six years. I am contactable at pmortensen at g ma i l dot com (ha I just tricked some spambots SUCK IT SPAMBOTS I AM ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU LIKE BOBBY FISCHER ONLY A NONANTISEMITIC VERSION, although I do plan to die of renal failure in Reykjavik, like him, so. OK call it even).

This is a limited time offer. Once I am a millionaire I will probably stop to focus on damaging my kidneys and/or working on my parody of that Beyonce song tentatively titled "Shingle Ladies (Put Some Acyclovir On It)". That joke should probably have gone on Twitter and not here; I think that's how Twitter works. SO CONFUSING. Anyway, go ahead and send me money. THANKS

This didn't say what I thought it said

This guy made me laugh

This guy made me laugh
Originally uploaded by mrbikferd

What IS causing it? About three seconds more of pondering should crack this nut.

I'm at the Greek diner

The one on the corner and Willie Nelson walks in and I'm totally freaking out. IT IS REALLY WILLIE NELSON. He orders a gyro and the guy makes it and Willie Nelson takes a bite -- I'm like twittering this the whole time: WILLIE NELSON JUST CAME INTO THE RESTAURANT I WAS EATING IN #willienelson -- even though I'm getting gyro grease on my phone it is worth it, so crazy WE ARE BOTH EATING GYROS! and Willie Nelson turns to the proprietor and says, "Say, what's in this, anyway?" He is pretty short, actually. So he has to like climb up on a stool to be seen? And the guy behind the counter says, "Lamb, mostly?" and then Willie Nelson turns to his entourage which is weird but I don't know what else you would call them, these outlaw looking guys that he came in with, but he turns to them but really you know he is addressing everyone in the diner and it gets totally quiet and Willie Nelson says, "Well..." and then he just lets it hang there like a PERMANENT ELLIPSIS and I am swearing to God right now if he doesn't follow this up with, "My gyros have always been cow, boys," I WILL TOTALLY LOSE MY SHIT Actually I will totally lose it anyway, but OK he's about to speak. This is too long for Twitter so I'm putting it here this is it you guys he's about to talk you guys this is it

When I Squeeze My Mind Grapes, the Resulting Wine Metaphor Trends Toward the Upper Echelons of the Middle Brow

On the bike path today I was behind a guy with extremely localized butt sweat such that if he had been wearing Winkers, it would have been like in Henry and June when Maria de Medeiros taps Fred Ward on the shoulder during Un Chien Andalou (or maybe Heddy Lamar in Ecstasy Featuring Heddy Lamar I can't remember) and anyway Fred Ward turns around and his face is blanked out by tears.

OPEN LETTER TO WINKERS CREATORS: PLEASE MAKE FRED WARD BIKING SHORTS

this is just in case you forgot

what it felt like

Tom Delay to Appear on Dancing with the Stars

Respect.


Presumably dancing to La Cucaracha will be deemed a little too inside baseball.

Whatever, SUGAR LAND PRIDE Y'ALL!!!!!!111!11

Also, Baylor pride.

Full disclosure: Tom Delay was an exterminator in Sugar Land and I grew up in Sugar Land and later went to Baylor and Tom Delay is whatever you call the cancer that cancer gets.

Adwear

This is only allowed to work once every fifteen years[*], specifically I refer to:
USING POETRY TO SELL ME PANTS

And I don't know how they (= advertisers) know when the fifteen years is up (maybe Start>All Programs>Accessories>Calculator? I DON'T KNOW) or whose turn it is to employ said advertising technique, but Max Blagg shilling for GAP from 1992:



..has toootally been replaced by Walt Whitman unknowingly (?**) shilling for Levi's, a pants concern:



(N.B. remember when Gap was called "The Gap" and remember when they announced they would no longer be selling Levi's and would instead sell their own brand and our moms were like, "Whaaaaaat?" and then it turned out to be a good idea (for a while)?)

I'm all like:
On the one hand it would seem that in the course of using a poem for advertising jeans, anything is likely to happen.
But on the other hand, this apparent arbitrariness is belied by the astounding similarity between poems used for advertising jeans collected in widely different ad agencies.
Therefore the problem: If the content of advertisements for pants is contingent, how are we to explain the fact that ads from different agencies are so similar, LOL?

(You guys! Did you know French anthropologist Lévi-Strauss is different from jeans maker Levi Strauss?)

(Develop this thought.)



*(Shaggy's "Boombastic" doesn't count)

**Or maybe knowingly; I may be confused.
SPOILER ALERT: DON DRAPER'S REAL LAST NAME IS "WHITMAN"!
SPOLIER ALERT II: RACHEL MENKEN REJECTS DON DRAPER NÉE WHITMAN AND MARRIES A GUY NAMED "TILDEN KATZ", WHICH IS LIKE THE 1960S WAY OF SAYING "ADAM GOLDBERG" SO THIS MAKES ALL OF THE DEUTSCHER GRUß IN THE ADVERTISEMENT AT 0:27 OK? OR MAYBE IT MAKES IT NOT OK IT IS SO HARD TO TELL WHAT TO THINK WHEN I AM THINKING ABOUT BUYING PANTS


Anyway, this just makes me want to wear more pants.

SORRY, FANS OF ME WITHOUT PANTS.

Cavalia

Cavalia
Originally uploaded by mrbikferd

These ads are on top of every cab in Chicago. It's hard to read the yellow text in the bottom of the ad, but I'm 90% sure it says:

"Hi guys! I made a stop motion version of Coraline, only instead of using Polyjet matrix technology, I just took a bunch of photos of my Barbie Horse (Tawney), thanks come see my show!!! <3 <3 <3 "

I can't stop watching the trailer for the new Harry Potter movie

I am sort of excited?
Even though I haven't enjoyed any of those movies, except sort of the third one (#CuarónFTW: I think the most geniusy thing in that movie was that they were periodically wearing street clothes and it actually seemed like they were imperiled, which when they were wearing wizard robes, it was easier for me to just say, oh, they're fine; they're wearing robes).

Note that I am aware:
Trailers aren't movies (unfortunately), but this was easily the best book in the series, and look at the trailer! Street clothes! Eeeeeeeee!

But so anyway with the new movie coming out tomorrow, one's thoughts turn to Choire Sicha's comments on the original trailer at Radar.

Except one can't:
I had a post ready to go (and if you read this in an RSS reader, I had a post, fullstop) that linked to the old Radar piece which continued the above thusly:

Still worth reading

But also:

(1) It is weird to read it now in the new post-human Radar format with what is CS's "voice", but without any credit given to him (although I give it liiike one more year before the whole internet will be using that "voice") (which means he really should get his book out soon before it's too late) (Choire Sicha: take off your robe!) (metaphor).

(2) It's totally crazy to me that it was only a year ago that those guys were at Radar. It seems like FOREVVVVER ago.

Maybe it's different for you!

(note use of SichaPoint (tm) at the end of that sentence to prove my earlier point about the whole internet.)

Except, wait, because then I actually read carefully, and I was wrong?
The post on Radar is actually not that post anymore (with the exception of the title, which no longer makes sense?) -- it's been pruned of the Ian McKellen misattribution that allowed people to dismiss the whole thing, as well as a lot of other fun stuff that caused people to look for an easy way to dismiss it.

And so to Google (sorry, Bing)!
To search for key phrases I sort of remember from a year ago!
Internet Archive: I am sorry to tell you that you are not helping me today.
Today, helping me was Queerty.com, which my spending time on, in trying to track down some of the original text, will assure mistargeted google ads for me for about a week. You know what, I can take it, because: haha that url made me laugh although it took me a minute to get it so I also felt stupid.

Anyway, some partially reconstructed text from the post, from Queerty.com:
Now we find that Voldemort's own sense of evil came to him as a torture in the night of his youth. And then there's the train chugging its way to Hogwarts, and all the boys in the private school jostling in the halls, and there's Ian McKellen [sic] handing Harry Potter some big crystal memory dildo, seriously


Unfortunately, the rest may be lost to history
just kidding probably not, I'm probably just bad at the internet.

Still, New Watered Down Posts on the Current Version of Radar Online: You are my own personal Person from Porlock.